Just before I got off the c-train, a random guy sat at the seat just across the isle and started puking like crazy. He kept his head down the whole time like he did something really stupid but just can't put his head up to face the problem. After I got off the c-train, I headed towards the bus stop that I needed to be at. While walking down the streets. I passed one guy smoking weed and another guy (homeless looking) smoking a cig.

We all have our issues to deal with each and everyday. Some chooses to face it with a positive attitude, while others decides to throw their lives away and give up to their desires. Then I started thinking what the world, well, what Calgary would be like if all the people took that step towards God instead of themselves. I believe that would be a whole different Calgary.

The past little while I've been watching a Taiwanese drama name Rice family. This is by far one of my favorite "TDramas" I've watched. This is one of the few TV dramas in Asia that I've watched that's about family and the love that's in it. Family is something that we can't replace. I for one need to continue to learn to appreciate my family more and more. When I was a teenager I really didn't appreciate my family members. There are countles amount of times where I even wanted to leave my family. It isn't that I hated them, it's the total opposite. I believed that I was a total burden on them and nothing else. I kept on thinking that maybe it would've been better if I just walked out then they won't have to carry me anymore. Now a few years later, after I've been to college for the past 3 years, that has started to change.

This isn't about me. This never should be about me, and I hope that each time that a post is up what people see isn't what I've done but what God is doing in his lowly,sinful servant's life. He teaches his children as a loving father. Please, don't blame God for all the bad thngs that happen to you. Maybe start appreciating that God is allowing you to go throw trials and errors to grow and strengthen you. 

When you learn to let go, not to be so uptight, that's the time when you start seeing the bigger picture. Walking a little slower, looking around more, maybe you'll find things that you've never seen before. Your success shouldn't be about the money that you make, the people that you know, or even the knowledge that you have. It should be about your relationship with God. When He's willing to take care of the birds in the air, and the plants in the earth, how much more does He care about the ones that are made in His own image? 

I'll be honest, I've been putting behind my internship stuff for quite a few months now. Making up excuses and not sarching for an internship. I went to the church in Seattle, which was great, I really had a great time over there. I think one of the biggest issues was that it is in the states. I perfer to not have to work in the states if possible. I mean once again, I really did enjoy my time in Seattle and really wouldn't mind working there. Another place I applied at was CCM in vancouver. I really had my heart set on working there as a part of my internship when I first started at Prairie. Although it was more of a personal reason, but it still gave me the motivation necessary to do it. Only problem with this place is that the dude who's in charge gave no replies to me what so ever. It ain't his fault, he does have things to work through as well to get me there as well. So basically those places both fell through.

It may only be a gut feeling, but those places don't seem like the places I should be at now. Either way, I'll continue to search for different places to find a place where I believe is the right place.

I'm wondering why I'm still up at three in the morning. Actrually I do know why. For the past few days, I've been sleeping on a really wacky schedule. Going to bed at about 3 or 4 each day, then waking up at about 12 each day as well. How come? Simple. It's because I am staying in a home I haven't been living in for the past 8 months and I don't know how to readjust to it. Let's just say I function much more efficently when I'm on my own than with people I can rely on (like my parents). I really don't know how I'll live in this place for another few months. 

I can say confidently that this isn't where I belong. 

Tomorrow will be a better day.  

It's time to move on.

As Archer(the dog) and I are both lying around on our spots, I can't help it but to feel kind of lonely. After being an only child for the past 21 years, I've grown used to just being by myself not having someone around to talk to. That doesn't mean that I don't come across this kind of feeling over and over again. The way I tried to get rid of that feeling in the past was through dating. Although not always the smartest thing to do in the world, but it did help me get through the high school years.

When my dad had to live in nyc and traveled around different places to work it really left me to be by myself. Those few years I had to learn to be a guy, learning to have those characteristics. Those years caused me now to live with either of my parents. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that maybe I don't know how to connect with them.

Going to Prairie helped me to find out who I truly am. I'm still in a search for my change to walk closer to God. Whatever the reason may be, I am still here and still trying hard not to revert to my old patterns. I thank God for all the people I've met these few years and I appreciate it so much. Yet for some reason when I'm sitting alone (like right now), I can't help it but to feel like it's nothing but emptiness that's filling my heart. I really just hope 10,15 years later everything will be different (in a good way).

I don't belong to any specific group that I can associate (and have a strong bond) with in Prairie. It was the exact same thing with high school, I had known many people in many different social circles that for most part, most of those relationships that I've made are possibly quite artificial. Point is, this is almost like a high school repeat, only difference is that I'm just getting to know possibly better people now than before. I like spending with the High Schoolers, but in return I've lost my own friends. Derek, Zach, and Soctt ( to name a few), are like brothers to me, but since we're all busy and walking different paths, it's hard to stay connected. It hurts me that we were all closest of friends at that time and now we leave each other behind.

This is a cry to God to ask him why it had to be this way. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me or anything because I know this I probably brought to myself and deserves more than what I have right now. 

Jesus suffered so much more incomparsion to what I've done, He lived a rough life on earth, never fitted in, or highly welcomed by many. Yet he changed lives and made a difference. He died on a cross, the worse punishment of all, and defeated death, raising up again 3 days later. Healing the broken, saving the weak. Breaking pride, building humility. We are all broken in our own ways, yet he can heal all that brokeness and emptiness and fill it with His love and grace. Yes, I am broken, I am lost, I have low self-esteem as well. I've sinned over and over again, done so many stupid things that I shouldn't have done. Yet He reached out to me, out of all the people, to show His love to. I don't deserve all that I have, yet he still provided for me. 

Thanks for everything God.     

Today, I got to have a chance to hang out with Will and a few others to celebrate Will's birthday. We had steak, I told him I wanted it rare, and then everyone gave me a weird look...anyways, I still had a great time chilling out with them and relaxing. The guys in dorm finally left~I got to say, it does make the dorm quite scary. I don't know how I'm going to be able to survive. Luckily I get to go to Floyd's house to dog sit Archer for a few days, I really do hope she won't just sit and stair at me like last time~FREAKY~ Anyways, so tomorrow, I'll probably have to think of something to do during the day. Which will involve moving my stuff to floyd's house, buying some snacks, doing homework, watching Scrubs.

My parents are coming to visit me on saturday, so hopefully that'll be good. I expect it to be quick and painless. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love my parents. It's just that like most people out there, I just can't stand what they try to talk to me about sometimes that's all.

Usually our conversations will consists of "what will you do in the summer", "how's school", and "you have to help move when the house is ready". 90 percent of it involes nothing about me, much more so it involes what they want from me. I don't mind it, I understand that people are needy.

I'm glad I'm finally done that Habakkuk presentation, I pretty much sucked at it, yet TC and Stan still graciously gave me compliment (of which I know I didn't deserve). With a good ol' double shot Americano(for myself) and free coffee for everyone else, it helped everyone to give me pity points. Thank goodness that it's only TC who gives me the marks, and not those classmates of mine. It's sad though to see TC have to leave this place and go to Cederville to teach.

Anyhow, I hope that tomorrow will be a productive day. One step closer to my last day of work as a high school RA.